Keeping it Real ...

I shy away from posting as much because sometimes I feel like I am just a negative Nelly all the time. I mean, 2009 hasn't been stellar for me personally -- and I'm still in a bit of a valley, but I feel like I'm crawling my way out/up - supernaturally, ONLY thru the help of my Savior. There is really no other explanation.

I have had a relatively easy life. No major life happenings. I loved highschool. I loved college. I love my family. I married a year out of college to a sweet boy with charm and talent. We had our first child after 4 years of marriage. The hubby started grad school at some point - and that was a 'tough' time in our marriage because I rarely saw him and I had a newborn. We have moved houses 3 times ... and added an additional family member during the 3rd and final move. Hard times? Sure ... but not really hard.

This year has been tough. Tough times personally. Tough times as a couple. Learning times for me as a person. Learning how a sinful woman can be a godly wife to a sinful man. What does that look like? What does forgiveness look like? What does forgiveness look like in the face of anger? How do 2 horribly prideful people break down the walls and really LOVE each other, forgive each other, allow each other to be FREE in the marriage - free to love, live and feel accepted.

Why has it taken me 11 years to figure all of this out?!?!?!

well, i don't have it figured out.

I am beginning to 'get it' that I never will. But I am learning. Daily - sometimes moment by moment what it means to LOVE someone - as a verb.

Yes, I fell in love (noun). Yes, I have been head over heals IN love (noun). Yes, I have been blinded BY love (noun). But do I love? Do I make love a VERB in my marriage? What does that look like in a world where activities compete for your attention? What does that look like when other people come in between you and your spouse? What does that look like when you don't FEEL loved by the other person? What does that look like when you don't accept your partner for his/her faults and craziness? How do you (verb) LOVE your spouse when you are so concentrated on your own needs that you miss his/hers?

Even in the moments of anger, betrayal, exasperation, and hurt, we are called to pursue this person, to embrace them, and to grow toward them. - Fall Forward.....

As I take out my ice pick on a daily basis and continue the climb up the mountain of forgiveness ....

As I take out the hammer on a daily basis and crush my own Pride and bubbles of self-pity...

As I fall forward - toward my spouse - I am realizing that God has been faithful to me all these years and he is being faithful to me now.

I was reading the other day about clouds. Cause I like to throw little pity parties for myself - and sometimes I feel like this is how I look to the outside world ...

But, it's kinda fun to think of how a cloud must look from heaven.

I read in this devotional that "clouds are always moving ahead of God's cleansing wind". How awesome it must be to see the sun reflecting the clouds from Heaven ... just waiting for that breath of God to move it and to see the sun again.

We don't have a job here yet. But I see the clouds starting to part. I feel that they are separating. I know that one day - I am going to look back and see ...Why the clouds. Why the mountains. Why the hammer was needed.

I can already see his handiwork unfolding. His offer of forgiveness. His gift of reconciliation. His Love for me. ME! Why me? Oh - what grace is so freely offered and so little deserved.

I have NO idea why I felt compelled to write this all down tonight. But, I did. I hope that maybe someone out there in "blog world" needed it.

Take Heart .....

*****3 things have really helped me lately in all of these areas: (1)Staying in Love series by Andy Stanley - go to itunes and DOWNLOAD this right now. (2) Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas (3) sweet friendships with people like her and her. Friendships like these are rare - true, sweet, real friends.****